when I am Old Isaiah 46:4

Ok. I have a confession to make. Being closer to 40 is scary. Being closer to 40 with two little boys and still having a marital status of widowed is even more scary. I try to take life moment by moment,but every now and again the prickly shivers of fear as if watching Night mare on Elm street creep up and I then must hit my knees moment by moment some day's till the shadow of what feels like "death" passes.  Then I'm o.k. again.

My boys go through this too. The same emotions at different times than I, about moving through this earthly life wondering IF they will ever have this earthly VOID filled with a human man they can call father. Oh you can quote scripture all day long and it's all true,but there is STILL something very very very important about a personal tangible father you "KNOW" is all your own. Nothing can replace this for a child wholeheartedly I don't think. I find this promise comforting and will pass this on to my boys:
and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” 
Deuteronomy 1:31   
As I stated in a earlier post God comforts us and we MUST continue to respond to His comforts with gratitude and humbleness and not turn from it wanting more than what he is allowing at this time in our lives.

Now I have sat back and analyzed why we are still single from sociology stand points and research statistics on age brackets,race,region of country etc.....and it's craaazy. Much of the info has many valid facts,but I then remember God doesn't work or make his decisions based upon the world statistics and numbers and demographic margins or  it's economy in anyway,,It's all about Him being sovereign and Us as a family trusting that all will be ok if we continue to surrender our hearts desires to his will. That doesn't mean God will allow for opportunity for a husband-father for us on earth. It doesn't mean that his good and perfect will means he will grant us our hearts desires by way of a husband-father. I want to believe it does.But my faith tells me it's not true.  My faith tells me that by being obedient on earth does NOT mean I will be rewarded here on earth at all with anything I ask. My faith tells me I can hope to hear "Well done Good and faithful servant" and anything else I may be granted or blessed with on this earth is just that,a blessing,extra,I will go out and say it is Grace to us if he does provide us with husband and father on this earth in these young years of my boys and what is left of my physical youth.  I guess I just needed to write this out to regain perspective on my purpose on earth which is to bring God glory however which way he is asking me to do that. Staying widowed till I die,or re-marrying and having a another set of children. which ever is his good and perfect pleasing Will for my life is asked so that I may be a vessel to further the kingdom and bring Glory to Him....This is a hard cough sryup for me to swallow,trully it is. It is scary to me but at the same time I Know it's the truth and I can trust Him. I must pray for courage to follow through with whatever is HIS good and perfect Will for my life..So dear freinds in Christ Jesus when or if you think of me past this blog pray that I have courage,even if it means doing what God wants me to do and doing it Scared,relying upon his Grace alone...  

Even to your old age and gray hairs
   I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
   I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
 Isaiah 46:4

I NEVER thought I would,or could...................................

I never thought I would marry the man I did.

I never thought I would have children. I did. TWO BEAUTIFUL BOYS.


I never thought I would be a widow. Yet I am.
 
I never thought I would be a single mom and a widow at the same time.But I am.
 
I never thought I would ever own a home,yet I did,2 of them.

I never thought I would be a stay at home mom,yet I have been and still am.

I never thought I could tell the whole truth* about past hurts and pains in front of others,yet I did,and I am free to love deeper because of it.

I never thought I would or could finish my Bachelors degree. I did. with two active boys.

I never thought I would have a son who loves Chess and Golf and karate.Yet I did,and he is beautiful.

I never thought I would have a another son that is reserved yet spunky and amazingly artistic and so full of Gods grace.Yet I did. He too is beautiful.

I never thought I could or would know God in the way of a caretaker,husband,comforter. But I do.

I never thought I would ever get older. Yet I have.

I never thought I could or would ever experience deep sadness and loss,and disappointments. Yet I have.

I never though I could call on Jesus to rescue me. Yet I did. And he did rescue me.

I never thought I would desire to NOT be independent. Yet I have learned no one can live in Christ Jesus and be on their own island.

I never thought I could stay up late and get no sleep with a crying baby and still be able to put words together. But I do.

I Never thought I would or could home school my son. Yet I am. at least for a little while*

I never thought I would or could be the woman I am today. But I am. And I like her.

I never thought I would be blogging.yet I am.......LOLOL



Look at the nations and watch-
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something new in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.

Habakkuk 1:5


 

 

You know those messages on the wall,the ones you cant see, yet everyone knows they are there?

I'm needing to JUST say somethings tonight. Then Im going to sleep.

Let me start off by saying I'm a grateful believer in Jesus Christ and am sold out to living in a manner that is pleasing to HIM. I want to add that I am  receiving  the intimacy from God that He longs for with me and I Him,little did I know that's what my soul really needed and deeply desired more than any earthly comfort.

Now let me FIRMLY state that I have earthly comforts that I desire,like "ALL" of us do. But some of those are not in the will of God for me at this time in my singleness,and I have wrestled with this for many years about what to do with this desire for a Husband that would be a earthly comfort as a companion in the world. But God hasn't seen it fitting to provide this in my life as of yet and I am abiding in Him and the comforts He is offering me from His glorious Riches in Heaven. Receiving His comfort and allowing it to be enough for me is what I do and my heart has been content most days.
 BUT I do want to talk about why is it so "taboo" for a single woman, or in my case a *widowed* women to be "FOR REAL" in all  purity that God designed it to be about this topic in her life without getting chastised as if she has said a bad word,insulted someone, or worse yet has broken some kind of moral code by telling the truth about it??? (will blog about this part more down the road,when folks are ready)* LOL

I will say my 8 year journey as a widow has been interesting.I have learned a great deal about myself and God has used these past 8 years to grow me up in this area of singleness.
 
To bring some of you up to speed who may have just met me,I was widowed at 29 years of age with 2 babies in tow,yes babies,Isaiah was only like 8 or 9 months old,I was still nursing him at this time. So as time goes on I think of my future and marrying again,YES marrying again. The assumption that when your spouse dies that you will never love again is so "Romantic" and in my opinion not "realistic" unless you want it to be and "choose" that for yourself.  I think you can love again just as you can "choose" NOT" to love again. So lets knock that taboo,assumption or whatever it's called OUT!
Also I have heard people say that men who become widowers are just different from women who become widows and just "HAVE" to re-marry more quickly than a widowed women..HUH? whats that about? I don't agree with that,YET it seems more accepted that a man who is a widower to re-marry only after a few years or sooner,than if a widowed women was to do so. The widowed women gets a "invisible" scarlet letter stamped to her forehead IF she even dares to even think about this topic or  admits she has a "longing" for the same earthly comfort in a Husband to be her earthly companion that a male widower does for a wife.(this attitude irritates me)

Oh yeah,and it's o.k. to talk about the details of this subject in ones singleness or widowhood,for God has weaved this longing in ALL of our beings,otherwise many of us wouldn't exist today. It's not going to make us go out and be in sin because we talk about the interpretations and meanings of the verses in  Song of Solomon.......Now if we talk about Ice Cream I just may go out and get some!! 

OK,I so missed peeps on FB..What it BE peeps!! haha

Did I ever mention how much I LOVE to laugh? I do. For those who have spent time with me or know me from long ago you KNOW this about me!! I imagine when I get to Heaven I will laugh ALL the time. I thank God for the gift of laughter/humor he has given me. It is this gift  that has allowed me to have mental and emotional relief as I go about living and encountering some of  this worlds rude and crude circumstances. Its like my way of releasing my deepest burdens, hurts and pains.I don't mean a foolish "fools"sense of laughter at serious matters,but one of refreshment,hope and Joy. The laughter is released like a sprinkler onto dry grass and it refreshes my soul and I think those around me as well. In the darkest times in my life I've always been able to sustain my gift of laughter!!!  This is Gods GRACE to me..I Praise HIM.

Genesis 21:6
Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.”

Happy Valentines day

       

"God loves each one of us as if there were only one of us to love."

Augustine of Hippo

I have been wanting to do this blog for sometime now and never seem to have time or energy to start this. So I have placed FB on the back burner to focus on this along with prayer time with limited distractions. I look forward to sharing some parts of my testimony of what God has done in my life along with Random thoughts that my brain often pops up!! But I do believe some of the pop ups are from the Holy Spirit.