when I am Old Isaiah 46:4

Ok. I have a confession to make. Being closer to 40 is scary. Being closer to 40 with two little boys and still having a marital status of widowed is even more scary. I try to take life moment by moment,but every now and again the prickly shivers of fear as if watching Night mare on Elm street creep up and I then must hit my knees moment by moment some day's till the shadow of what feels like "death" passes.  Then I'm o.k. again.

My boys go through this too. The same emotions at different times than I, about moving through this earthly life wondering IF they will ever have this earthly VOID filled with a human man they can call father. Oh you can quote scripture all day long and it's all true,but there is STILL something very very very important about a personal tangible father you "KNOW" is all your own. Nothing can replace this for a child wholeheartedly I don't think. I find this promise comforting and will pass this on to my boys:
and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” 
Deuteronomy 1:31   
As I stated in a earlier post God comforts us and we MUST continue to respond to His comforts with gratitude and humbleness and not turn from it wanting more than what he is allowing at this time in our lives.

Now I have sat back and analyzed why we are still single from sociology stand points and research statistics on age brackets,race,region of country etc.....and it's craaazy. Much of the info has many valid facts,but I then remember God doesn't work or make his decisions based upon the world statistics and numbers and demographic margins or  it's economy in anyway,,It's all about Him being sovereign and Us as a family trusting that all will be ok if we continue to surrender our hearts desires to his will. That doesn't mean God will allow for opportunity for a husband-father for us on earth. It doesn't mean that his good and perfect will means he will grant us our hearts desires by way of a husband-father. I want to believe it does.But my faith tells me it's not true.  My faith tells me that by being obedient on earth does NOT mean I will be rewarded here on earth at all with anything I ask. My faith tells me I can hope to hear "Well done Good and faithful servant" and anything else I may be granted or blessed with on this earth is just that,a blessing,extra,I will go out and say it is Grace to us if he does provide us with husband and father on this earth in these young years of my boys and what is left of my physical youth.  I guess I just needed to write this out to regain perspective on my purpose on earth which is to bring God glory however which way he is asking me to do that. Staying widowed till I die,or re-marrying and having a another set of children. which ever is his good and perfect pleasing Will for my life is asked so that I may be a vessel to further the kingdom and bring Glory to Him....This is a hard cough sryup for me to swallow,trully it is. It is scary to me but at the same time I Know it's the truth and I can trust Him. I must pray for courage to follow through with whatever is HIS good and perfect Will for my life..So dear freinds in Christ Jesus when or if you think of me past this blog pray that I have courage,even if it means doing what God wants me to do and doing it Scared,relying upon his Grace alone...  

Even to your old age and gray hairs
   I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
   I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
 Isaiah 46:4